And how did you spend your Christmas vacation?

Visiting family?
Cleaning house?
Doing projects?
Volunteering?
Learning a new language?

Ok, so I did some of those things, but the vast majority of the past few days has been spent with my new BFF and arch nemesis Cradle of Rome. It's a #%!!##$@ match three game that I downloaded from my favorite site Big Fish Games.

CoR is diabolical. It's a matching game, how hard is that? Right? You just line up the little objects, changing the color of the tile underneath until all the tiles are cleared. Along the way you get to buy buildings and earn citizens, thus growing Rome and working up to the level of the Roman Gods. Sooooooo simple. Here are some screenshots of various levels and stuff...

But @@$%#%$$! CoR has 100 levels and I have only managed to clear 62. And I got through 61 the first day I played. I've been stuck on boards 62 and 63 ever since. Curse curse curse. I even cheated a little bit. I found a way to change the code so I could get more special bonus weapons. Granted, I don't get all that many more so it doesn't really feel like cheating. But good lord almighty. There are three sections of double locked tiles to clear on board 63. I can barely even manage to clear two before the time runs out. How the #@@$%!!# am I supposed to clear all three areas AND change the color of the tiles. ##@%%$$@!

I've been cursing a lot lately. My poor cats keep getting rudely awakened by my outbursts.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Till then, $#!!#@$%%#.

My favorite Christmas decorations...

Angels guarding my front door and adorable Christmas characters that are actually gift boxes for wine.

The woodstove corner, funny Christmas goose, snowman stuffed animal and pillows.

Three snowmen luminaries and a wreath my grandmother made.

Thanks to everyone for the messages and well wishes. He's home now and seems fine. Whew!

This whole episode has been really rough. I'm sure Dunkin was feeling pretty rotten in the days leading up to Sunday when I finally realized something was wrong. But cats, like my grandmother, will never let you know they are in pain or feeling sick. And true to form, Dunkin was acting perfectly normally last week.

Man, the realization that he could be suffering without me knowing, and the fact he could die and I would never have known anything was wrong, is scary. I try to be tuned into them and pay attention, but this adds a whole new level of attentiveness.

And man, I've been just wiped out emotionally. Sunday and Monday I was basically frozen - waiting and waiting and waiting to hear from the vet whether or not he was blocked and whether he would make it. I didn't want to make travel plans for Christmas because I didn't know what kind of care or planning I would need to do for Dunkin. I didn't know whether to be confident or hopeful or sad. I kept spiraling through all those emotions all day long.

Then the news came that he had blocked but it was just a bit at the tip and crystally instead of solid which was a huge relief. But when I picked him up yesterday morning to transport him from the emergency clinic to the vet, he was so sad and scared and pathetic it sent me spiraling all over again.

He had to wear a cone around his neck to keep him from pulling out the catheter or IV which essentially made it impossible for him to lie down or get comfortable. So he was hovering in a crouched position and kept shifting positions trying to get comfortable. I figure he probably hasn't gotten much sleep the past three days and we all know how much cats like to sleep. He kept shaking the paw with the IV, so I'm sure it was pinching, and he was covered in urine.

And he just looked at me with his big round eyes and cried the whole ride. The hard part was I couldn't really comfort him because I didn't want to disturb the catheter or IV and hurt him in the process, so all I could do was talk to him and scratch his head. That was the hardest thing. I knew he just wanted to crawl into my lap and get loved on but I couldn't do it.

So, after getting a clean bill of health from the vet he's back home and seems to be ok. He's a lot more low key than usual, I think he's exhausted more than anything. But he's taken well to the new prescription cat food (as has Isabel - yay! - she tends to throw up food) and has been quietly snoozing.

Isabel was really funny when Dunkin came home yesterday - it was like she had never seen him before. I laughed my butt off. She froze at first with big bug eyes and just stared at him. Finally she worked up the courage to sniff his cat carrier - very stinky. When he went over to say hi she hissed at him and ran away. That pattern pretty much went on all night. Hee hee. Poor Isabel. I think she loved loved loved being an only kitty and was not happy to have to share my lap and attention again.

So today both cats are inside and I'm monitoring Dunkin to make sure he pees. Tomorrow both cats go to the vet for their annual check-ups. After that, hopefully life will start getting back to normal.

It'll be a Merry Christmas after all but we had a pretty big scare yesterday.

I was sitting on the couch, drinking my morning quart of coffee and snuggling with Dunkin, my male cat. As usual in these situations, I have to get up periodically thus displacing the cat.

My cats and I speak a common language and there are certain phrases that we completely understand from each other. From them, jumping on the bed and purring in my face means "I'm hungry", climbing on the computer keyboard means "I'm more important than your blog, love me", and swatting the venetian blinds means "I'm bored".

From me, "Time for bed, picklehead" means, well, it's time to go to bed, and "Gotta get up" or "Gotta go to the bathroom" mean "kindly remove yourself temporarily from my lap so that I might take care of business. I shall return momentarily at which time you may resume your snuggling".

Usually, we understand each other perfectly, but yesterday Dunkin didn't budge with the usual "Gotta get up". Didn't budge with "Gotta get up, Dunkin Donut". Didn't budge with "Gotta get up, Pookie Poo Poo" with accompanying physical cue of wiggling the legs. But being as I really had to get up, I picked him up to move him and he let out a yowl and thrashed around in the air until I put him down.

Now, he was not mad at me, I could tell, and though he is a vocal cat, this yowl was more like pain. So I start cataloging possible reasons in my head and really couldn't come up with anything except that he had been tussling with another cat again. I did not find any puncture wounds or cuts in a quick sweep on his back half, but I was very concerned so I called the emergency vet (mostly for reassurance, to be honest). That phone call lasted all of 5 minutes and in 15 minutes I was in my car on the way to the emergency hospital.

The vet tech who answered the phone asked three questions:
"Is he male?"
"Where was the pain?"
"Have you seen him pee lately?"

For me the answers were:
"Yes"
"Right near his hind legs."
"No, he's indoor/outdoor and he pees outside."

They responded, "He could be blocked. You need to get him in here right away."

Oh crap.

That was most definitely NOT reassuring.

So after a prolonged battle of attempted bribes and physical force, I finally got Dunkin into the cat carrier and into the car for the trip. Now, he is very talkative as I mentioned before and gave me all kinds of not-so-nice words and cat cursing the whole way there. But I talked to him about being sick and going to the doctor and loving him so much and  wanting him to be healthy and happy.

They weighed him - a whopping 12.8 pounds - and the vet felt his bladder which she said was very small at that point. She asked tons of questions about his habits, what food he ate, grooming habits, changes in his behavior, etc. Then told me that what she was concerned about was a urinary track blockage which in male cats can be fatal very quickly if left untreated.

So, for all you Voxers out there who have male cats, and especially neutered male cats - please read this. She said this is one of the most unknown and most important medical problems for male cats and lots of people lose their cats before they even know something is wrong.

A urinary track blockage can be caused by lots of things (bacteria, virus, change in food, bad water, stress, change in environment, etc) and no one is exactly sure from cat to cat why it starts. Essentially a male cat's urethra is longer and more narrow than a female cat's and is therefore much more prone to getting clogged. If a cat experiences any of the above issues, crystals can start building up in his urine which can be irritating causing mucus to be produced. The combination of crystals and mucus form a plug which can partially or totally block the urethra limiting or stopping urine flow.

Like a bladder infection in people, having difficulty or pain attached to urinating is a horrible feeling. It can be bloody, there can be pushing and straining, and excessive licking of the genital area (in cats - ha ha) to try and clean it enough to function properly. Many people actually think their cat is constipated because the behaviors in the litter box are the same.

But unlike being constipated, if the urethra is allowed to get completely blocked, the urine backs up, the bladder gets bigger and bigger, the kidneys stop creating urine because the bladder is full and thus stop cleaning the body of toxins, and finally the bladder ruptures and urine and toxins leak into the cat's body killing him pretty quickly. It is very serious, very dangerous, and oftentimes lethal.

By some extremely fortunate circumstances, I was at home yesterday, snuggling with Dunkin, and happened to hit exactly the right place to make him yowl and raise my concern. Because it turned out that he did have crystals in his urine and though his bladder was small when I brought him in at noon, by 8:00 last night it had grown twice as big and he was only able to produce a couple of drops of urine even with the vet palpitating and squeezing his bladder directly.

By the grace of God I got him in EXACTLY when he needed to because if I had not, he most likely would have died.

That yowl is the only thing that triggered my concern. He was still eating normally, he was still snuggling and purring, he was still playing and going outside and picking on my female cat, Isabel. Except for that yowl, every other thing about him was normal and I never would have known. Cats often will not let you know anything is wrong until it is almost too late.

So last night the vet inserted a catheter both to unblock him and drain the urine. Dunkin will wear it for 48 hours to make sure he does not block again. The good news is his blockage was very crystally and right at the tip, as opposed to being much more solid and blocked throughout the whole urethra. He was expelling urine and yelling his displeasure at the vet by 10:00pm. She is also giving him IV fluids to keep him hydrated, kick his kidneys back into action, and keep him urinating under observation. They will remove the catheter and watch him for another 12 hours or so to make sure he continues to urinate on his own.

He will be home Wednesday morning at 7:00am. I am very blessed. Another few hours or if he hadn't yowled and I might have lost him.

So, everyone who has a male cat, please get yourself educated about FLUTD. Google "cat blocked urinary track" and read read read. I recommend this site because it is almost word-for-word exactly as my vet explained it to me and is in language anyone can understand.

I hope all of you are as fortunate as I was if this ever happens to your cat.
Bless you, bless your cats, and Merry Christmas.

If any of you read Dooce, this was written by her husband. Dooce has chronic depression and writes a blog about life, motherhood, and her dog - it's a great read. This piece by her husband really nails a lot of what life is like in a relationship with someone with mental illness. Words we aren't usually privy to because of the secrecy and shame often attached. So, it's long, but give it a read. It's worth it..

How I Do

blurbomat.com

Several of you have made the request over the years that I share my perspectives on living with someone who has chronic depression. I’ve been reluctant to share for many reasons. The biggest reason I haven’t is that part of living with someone who can spiral downward and inward means that I have to be careful about what I say and do. If the fire is raging, you don’t throw fuel on it or add gunpowder to it. Day to day, I’m probably being overly cautious. During

stressful times of the year or during stressful events, those days where I need to be careful are more frequent. It seems like we’ve barely been able to catch our breath until very recently and now it is holiday season. Which, as you are aware, contains no stress at all.

Fixing It by Not Fixing It
As a heterosexual man attracted to a woman, I have a range of emotions and ways of dealing with whatever life throws my way. One of those things is to look at a problem and want to fix it. Men like to be fixers, for the most part, and this is great for things like a clogged drain or dead car battery. Also great if the satellite dish isn’t picking up the latest “Nature is Sad” show on the educational channel because it’s buried in snow. It is not so great if your partner needs for you to help her by listening.

I’m not certain this is entirely gender-related, as I’m certain it is just as likely that a woman can be a fixer as well. It just keeps coming up for me that I can’t fix it and I need to shut up and listen. Almost two years ago, Leah Crawford interviewed me for her site, Leahpeah and asked me how Heather’s illness had affected my life. I wrote then that people in relationships, particularly the man, often have a strong desire to fix things. What I neglected to say then is that one of the best ways to help somebody is to shut up and listen. This is extraordinarily difficult for me as a talker. I’ve really had to stop myself and let it go. I have to tell myself that I need to LISTEN and to tell myself to SHUT UP. It’s doubly important when somebody is anxious or depressed and needs to get it out. I have only met a few men who are great listeners, and those were professionals I was paying to listen.

So. Listen.

Stress Management & Meds
In our case, Heather handles stress very differently than most people I know. She is a master internalizer and the whiff of brooding energy she emits outward is usually an indication that there is a much larger inner storm raging. I’ll usually try to get a calm moment when just the two of us can talk and I’ll have to ask her about five or six times if something is wrong or if she needs to talk. Having lived with her for awhile now, I can say that I can see this coming a few days off. Especially given some of the big things we’ve done in the past two years. Starting a business, selling our house by ourselves, moving, her projects, professional and occupational stress, etc. have all proven to be major stressors. I view my role as to simultaneously get things done and listen when called upon. I don’t regret this role, and I don’t begrudge it. I view every conversation as a chance to learn something new. And a chance for me to tell myself to listen.

As part of intense stress periods, I always have to ask, sometimes repeatedly, about medication levels. The professionals who successfully treated Heather for post-partum depression came up with a drug cocktail that saved Heather’s life. It’s my job to help her stay on those meds and help her assess whether or not they are working like they did in 2004. This will be an ongoing thing for the rest of her life. There are good days around the prescription discussion and not so good days. As with all chronic medication consumption, it is only natural to assume that one feels better and can taper off the meds. There have been several instances where I’ve noticed a higher state of anxiety and a certain tone in conversation, a withdrawal or unusual comment from Heather and felt the need to bring up medication as a state of emergency. Luckily, Heather responds and if she has changed her dosage, after we discuss (sometimes more pointedly than others) she takes it back to the levels that were prescribed. When the meds kick in, it’s like I’m living with the Heather who can cope and get through life. If she’s changed her meds, it’s not pretty. The stress on me during these times builds and builds. I have to be careful in how I release that stress. I also have to make time for me. I have had to learn that most of what is bothering Heather has nothing to do with me or our relationship. It has to do with her internalizing stress and how she deals with life when it gets overwhelming. To be sure, there are those times when I’ve done something wrong or I’m not doing enough or I’m caught up in a project and it causes friction. Just like every other relationship.

Our life is such that we must become adept at crisis management. Home ownership, parenthood and business ownership means that things are going to happen, sometimes all at once. I have to be in a good place to have a clear head to deal with whatever life is going to throw at me. This is not easy. I do a lot of self talk (sometimes freaking Heather out) to either practice conversations I need to have or help me work through a situation. I also have to be strong and assertive most of the time or else I’ll be blown over by the power of the illness.

I have to have a good amount of sleep to face the next day. I get this by taking an antihistamine that helps me sleep and dries out my perpetually runny nose. Side effect: used to be prescribed as a mild anti-depressant. Getting enough sleep makes it so much easier to listen and/or take over if Heather can’t function.

As far as I’m concerned, I’m always open to trying medication if I think I need it. Heather has suggested I try a few things in the past, but I’ve so far not had a steady course of anti-depressants. Typically, getting enough sleep, changing my life (sometimes with talk therapy) and managing my stress have helped me through the hardest of times. If I’m being a jerk, no medication is going to fix that. I have to recognize I’m being a jerk and work on it. I think everybody on the planet goes through jerk phases and being aware is the beginning to living a life that is less difficult on those around us.

Openness Leads to Success
I have to be open. Being raised as I was and given my own propensities, this is extremely difficult for me. I have admired Heather’s openness and willingness to share, but there is always that part of me that worries if there will be a cost later. I can’t decide if I was meant to be a risk management assessor, tin foil proponent or character in either an E.M. Forster or M. Somerset Maugham novel.

Talk therapy has been something that has saved me, saved my relationship with Heather and made our lives together stronger. It is hard work and difficult to hear and learn things about oneself, but I believe that every single person on the planet would benefit from talk therapy. Maybe one doesn’t need it all the time, but I view it as something that I can turn to and use to help navigate through life. I don’t think that because I’m living with Heather, I’ll do more therapy because of her illness. I need it for myself and together, we’ll need it for our relationship. It’s not weak or lame to face ones issues. It’s not strong to live in denial. It’s not strong to live in fear of talking about the dynamics of how we process life events or why we react the way we do. I only wish I had sought therapy after my father died and that in my first marriage, I had sought therapy earlier. I’m not sure that my life would be different, but perhaps better. I’m very happy now, and I love where I am, both professionally and personally. Most importantly, for Leta, I love where we are. She needs happy and healthy parents.

As with any chronic illness, any form of treatment needs to be done carefully and with supervision from professionals. I can’t stress enough how lucky we have been to have had doctors willing to try certain combinations of medicines. We’ve taken it into our own hands in the past and sought different doctors when it was clear that Heather was responding to medicine or a particular doctor has a propensity for a certain diagnosis or treatment that wasn’t helping. The saddest part of treating depression is that most doctors want to ramp up the medicine (for good reason) and it’s very difficult to see a response sometimes. I wish there were a better way to deliver a clinical dosage of meds on an outpatient basis. Most of my experience in this area comes from watching Heather start a medicine for a few weeks and have it either make her worse or have no effect. In order to deliver the dosage and right cocktail, Heather had to be in a hospital/facility where she could be monitored. There was no ramping up. And that is exactly what Heather needed.

One of the biggest and most detrimental side effects to being a partner of someone with a mental illness is that there is the impulse to not share the hard stuff with them for fear they can’t handle it. Likely corollary to that is that the disease is a part of our relationship, meaning it needs its own space. The meds and therapy continue to help, but the disease is always there. I have to be aware of those times where nearly every exchange, every gesture and every non-verbal cue is related to the illness in some way. This adds a burden to any relationship and ours is no different. One of the hardest things to write, is that Heather’s illness means that sometimes she can’t be there for me in a way that I need her to be. I learned this early on, but I still have a hard time making room in our relationship for the largest side effect on me of her illness. It’s not maliciousness on her part. It’s not ignorance. It’s that the disease is all-consuming. I do stand up for myself and I have to be more verbal than I’ve ever been about stating clearly that I need her or I’m having a rough day. Fortunately, those times are fewer as things have smoothed out career-wise and I’ve learned how to tell her that I’m struggling or I need to talk.

In every relationship there is work to be done. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are people who are likely to be better suited for one another, but there is no magic. While this post might sound like it’s not worth it or that Heather and I are having problems, I should clarify that it’s not like that. If I didn’t care about Heather, or wasn’t willing to do the work that a relationship demands, I’d be worse off in my life. Living with Heather is worth it. I’m in love with her and willing. I feel that she shares this feeling about me and that makes all of this so much easier to live with and deal with. In my past, I’ve shied away from doing the hard work in a relationship and in looking back using talk-therapy and a few great therapists, I’ve been able to see that my own laziness and unwillingness to work has harmed myself and others. I’d be a fool if I didn’t take what I’ve learned from therapy and apply it to the best relationship I’ve ever known.

Get Help
To the people out there who denigrate mental health awareness and treatment, I say this: You aren’t helping. You are making it worse. Stop being an arrogant know-it-all. You aren’t right. You are wrong. If someone tells you they need help, your opinion means less than that of professionals. Stop being ignorant. Stop being obstinate. Stop insisting that your loved one, partner, child or co-worker “get over it”. They won’t get over it until you let it go and encourage them to seek help. There are many different approaches and ways to treat mental diseases and conditions. The first step is letting go. You could probably use some time talking it out yourself. 

Love Love Love Love
LOVE
LOVE
LOVE
Love
Clash of the Choirs

Awesome show. I haven't been this moved and inspired since the first season or two of American Idol.
Man. My heart is jumping, my arms are waving, I'm bouncing around on the sofa. LOVE it.

Love it.

Did I mention I love it?
Because I do.

Ok, no lie, my ice maker stopped working about 6 months ago. Yesterday we lost power for 16 hours because of the ice storm. Today, my ice maker is chugging away as if nothing ever happened. And to think I was going to pay $80 to bring out a repairman. Or repairperson, I'm not picky.

Trixie Hot Chocolate


You Are Socks!

Cozy and warm... but easily lost.
You make a good puppet.


Your Christmas Song Is

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
You would even say it glows.

For you, Christmas is a mix of tradition and fun.
You're not above strapping on a red blinking nose for a laugh.


You Are a Traditional Christmas Tree

For a good Christmas, you don't have to re-invent the wheel.
You already have traditions, foods, and special things you bring out every year.


Nope, You're Not a Grinch

Although you may feel Grinch-like at times, it's just because you're worn out from the holidays.
You get into the holiday spirit more than most people - and you truly enjoy celebrating with your family and friends.

Holy guacamole, Batman, these have been a doozy of a couple of weeks! The classic sign that I'm sliding down the hill towards exhaustion is when I stop communicating and I hit that point about a week ago. Don't worry - it's nothing bad and nothing that I'm complaining about, just a LOT of life and stuff and happenings.

So... drumroll please... all my PhD applications are finally finished and officially in the mail. For all the stress this process has brought me, it was amazingly anticlimactic yesterday when I mailed the last two.

For those of you who are familiar with the Meyers-Briggs (MBTI) personality inventory, I am a significant "P" which stands for Perceiving. There are four pairs of preferences in the MBTI and they can help explain how and why you operate in the world. In my job at JMU I find them to be very helpful in understanding relationships/skills in the workplace and students' study, social, and work habits. None of the preferences or types are good or bad, they just show how you prefer to make choices, how you gather information, how you gain and expend energy, and how you choose to work/act/behave. If you want to learn more, just google it, it's everywhere. I found a page that does a pretty good job explaining the differences in the pairings, you can see it here.

I am an INTP (Introverted iNtuitive, Thinking, Perceiving) or INFP ((Introverted iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving). The T/F is borderline and switches based on the circumstances. The "I" has been getting stronger as I've gotten older. I'm a very strong NP.

Anyway, back to the PhD process and my preference for "P"...  P's tend to look at the world as big picture and live in the realm of ideas, brainstorming, and possibilities. Not so much on the "J" tendencies of planning, structure, and organization. Um, yeah... The only thing I can say about applying for PhD programs that is universally true no matter what discipline you are studying is that it requires extraordinary attention to detail, planning, and organization. Sigh...

Each program's application process is different. Some parts are online, some are on paper. Some require GRE's some don't. Some ask you to submit transcripts directly to them, some need to be sent to and submitted by you. Every personal statement requires its own spin. Some require two recommendations, some three, some four. Every deadline is different. Specific pieces get sent to different offices at each school - program of study versus graduate school. So many details to track. So many I's to dot and T's to cross. As a poor little "P" all I can say is Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhhhh!

There were many many times I went back over something I thought I had finished only to find yet another piece I forgot or step I skipped. I even forgot to order transcripts from one school that I took one class at over one summer 22 years ago. That mistake could feasibly cut me out of the running for one program I applied to because I missed the application deadline by one day waiting for the final transcript to arrive in the mail. Sheesh.

Well, I am very pleased to say that I finally... I think... have everything done.

Mind you, I started this process back in October when I took a week of vacation to focus solely on the organization and planning process for applying. That week I worked a minimum of 8 hours every single day and got a pretty good jump on things, but it still required many many more hours evenings and weekends in October and November to get things wrapped up.

I imagine there are still things I will need to re-submit or details I forgot. Of course there are. But I'm pretty sure 90% of everything is done. So now begins the waiting. I expect I should know by March which ones I got into and can then focus on the decision process.
 
So, can I get a Woot Woot? Yippee yahooey and three cheers.

Schools & programs  I have applied to:

Carnegie Mellon - Human Computer Interaction
Cornell - Information Science
Indiana Bloomington - Informatics/Human Computer Interaction
Penn State - Media Studies
Quinnipiac (Master's) - Interactive Communications
UConn - New Communication Technology
UMCP - Human Computer Interaction

Any of my neighbors have experience with any of these schools? I'll take any and all advice, feedback, words of wisdom, or "wish I had knowns".

The question I get asked most often is which one is my favorite. I can honestly say I will be happy to go any of these. I actually narrowed the list down from about 20 to this final 7, so all of these are strong programs at schools I would like to attend, with research streams I was excited by.

I included the Master's program at Quinnipiac because it is a program I found really interesting that kept popping back into my brain. I can be somewhat impulsive and so I have learned when it comes to buying things that if I'm still thinking about whatever it was two weeks later that it's a safe bet to buy. Quinnipiac was the same thing - even though it's not a PhD program I kept thinking about it so I feel good about keeping it on the list. It would give me the training to move into a practitioner role in the information science/design/communication/technology world. The PhD programs will give me the foundation to move more into the faculty/researcher roles.

All I need is one "Yes" and I'm on my way. Right now, I'm ok with the waiting. I'm not counting any chickens because from what I understand the decision-making process for PhD acceptances is very unpredictable. So hopefully one of these schools will look at my background and think I'd be a good fit for their program. Ideally I will be able to choose between 2-3. Positive energy, positive energy, positive energy....

Big smiles.