Lots of experiences have been eye-opening during my PhD journey so far and I have felt intellectually thrilled,
In a nutshell, I am a woman. I have many many other identities as well,
but that identity is most salient to this post. As a woman, I have struggled with
issues surrounding "girlness", competence, strength, femininity, etc. I
was raised with three brothers and grew up an athlete. These two
factors were very powerful in shaping my conceptions of
self. I like my strength, I like my competitiveness, I like my drive, I
like being self-assured.
The class that I took is feminist theory applied to
research and teaching, with an emphasis on studying feminist theory. I think of
myself as a feminist in the "girl power", women can do/be anything they
want camp. I value the spectrum of women and women's identities. Perhaps surprisingly to some people, I
identify with the "other" a lot because of my beliefs and life
choices. I think I'm pretty progressive as things go. But what I am
afraid of is that I also carry with me an awful lot of ingrained
hegemonic ideas and ideals.
Though this class does feel like a "safe" environment, I felt inside of
myself an awareness of how ignorant I am on the feminist spectrum, all things
considered. I have never been formally trained in feminist theory, so
there is a lack of confidence attached to that. Layered on that is an
awareness of how gendered our language and beliefs can be and a
hyper-awareness on my part of saying the "wrong" thing. I fully claim
these as my own issues, they are not ones being pressed upon me by the
professor or the other members of class. However, it makes me
realize that this class is probably going to shake my identity and my
beliefs to the core as the lightbulbs turn on and I find myself being
challenged to see/feel/think different and through others'
perspectives.
Don't get me wrong, I *love* these types of experiences because only by going straight into your fear do you experience the most growth. And I gotta admit, this class makes me feel fear. Not external fear, but internal fear, because I am fully aware of the learning opportunity in front of me. I am excited and grateful to be able to take it on. I am hoping I don't stick my foot in my mouth too many times. I am waiting to meet the "me" I will be in mid-December. I am in for a wild ride...
